*Begin recording*
...
Um... so... I usually don't do these kinds of things... talking to anyone... but... I think it might help this time.

It might be helpful, I don't know.

Okay.

Hey, [redacted].

It's... weird, *saying* a name.

It's, I guess I've sent you messages, but talking to you, and doing these as if I'm actually going to talk to you, is different.

Today is... I don't know why I'm checking... the 10th? Or maybe the 11th. It is still the 10th.

It is the day that we [redacted]. And tomorrow you'll be [redacted]. And today you did so well, so good. *soft chuckle*

I like the way *you* say "so good". *another chuckle*

And, yeah, thinking about things. A lot of things. Like, *short breath* so much happened, yet it, it almost feels like no time at all. And there's stuff. And at the same time it doesn't feel like I understand what the stuff is to, sort it all out. I...

I need to say, I need to name them, but I'm afraid that naming them might make them more real than, than— I don't know how to navigate it all. [redacted], you're going to be moving on to a new phase in your life. You don't know what that phase is going to lead you to, because there are still many things on your mind that you have on your mind that you still have not shared with me. But you know that no matter where that takes you, you will be amazing. And I'll never lose faith in you that way...

I remember that I used to be so afraid of when this time would come and things have been, so so strange up to now. I don't know [redacted], do you want to have the conversation about what happened then?

I...

I don't... I guess... Would it be about... apologizing to one another? I... I know I was so upset, but it's hard for me to even *get* upset. I... or or stay upset. Or... I... I don't have a lot that way. I don't know if *you* do. I... I know I... If anything I still feel that I'm the one who's unfair here. *sigh*

In the time we were apart, I've disconnected a lot. I don't do those [redacted] with my friends, and I don't use [redacted]. It's just, me.

I can't quite explain why I've done this, but I knew it could be done. And I—*sigh*.

My world is really small [redacted], *chuckles* maybe you should check the [redacted] of my life?

[Redacted] if have that conversation, what are we going to say?

The scariest part is when it all stops. When it all *really* stops.

I know... You, you must know how I must feel to even just get the chance... don't you?

I don't know, maybe, maybe you don't. I don't know, how much more honest I could be? And if we don't look at the past, and we, focus on the present. But, even the present is scary. The future is, far scarier.

[Redacted], I want to say that I'm sorry. I don't know how to have less of me. And, I can't... I can't...

We, we can't. We did those long, long letters and I can't do that anymore. I can't do that.

I can't believe... I, I remember now and I can't, and I'm so sorry and I'm so sorry. Fuck, stop. No,  I can't do this, I wanted to talk to you. Shut up. Aww fuck. Please! No! No! No! No! No!

*end recording*
=>/blips/2021-05-10-New-Recording-66.gmi [Replay?]