# BOFH Archive on Gemini The following are all of the BOFH stories from 1995 to 1999 as archived on bofharchive.org. Each story has been downloaded, ran through html2gmi, and published here for your viewing pleasure. BOFH is copyright Simon Travaglia; the pages all seem to say 2009 as a copyright date but they're his stories nonetheless. => ./search/ Search the archives ## 1995 => bastard95-01.gmi The Bastard Operator From Hell is back... => bastard95-02.gmi The Bastard trips up... => bastard95-03.gmi The Bastard gives advice... => bastard95-04.gmi The Bastard gets non-PC... => bastard95-05.gmi The Bastard on a devilish buying mission... => bastard95-06.gmi The Bastard wreaks his terrible revenge I... => bastard95-07.gmi The Bastard wreaks his terrible revenge II... => bastard95-08.gmi The Bastard establishes his territorial boundaries... => bastard95-09.gmi The Bastard negotiates around 'budget constraints'... => bastard95-10.gmi The Bastard dislikes his boss' use of foul language... => bastard95-11.gmi The Bastard blasts the confidence of the most well meaning souls... => bastard95-12.gmi The Bastard maintains his level of bad taste and seeks sweet revenge... => bastard95-13.gmi The Bastard gets his retaliation first... => bastard95-14.gmi The Bastard finds a new use for an electric wheelchair... => bastard95-15.gmi The Bastard spreads peace and goodwill among colleagues... ## 1996 => bastard96-01.gmi The Bastard kicks in the New Year with a few sex aids... => bastard96-02.gmi The Bastard has an appraisal meeting... => bastard96-03.gmi The Bastard educates a PFY... => bastard96-04.gmi The Bastard meets his match, but keeps a hold... just... => bastard96-05.gmi The Bastard won't stand for interference with his printing systems... => bastard96-06.gmi The Bastard gives a helpless salesman a run for his money... => bastard96-07.gmi The Bastard brings his boss crashing down with a little bribe... => bastard96-08.gmi The Bastard makes sure everyone else feels the heat... => bastard96-09.gmi The Bastard won't stand for poseurs in posh cars... => bastard96-10.gmi The Bastard experiences his very own Black Wednesday... => bastard96-11.gmi The Bastard and partner take revenge for stolen comms space... => bastard96-12.gmi The Bastard verges on the edge of insanity but the PFY steps in... => bastard96-13.gmi The Bastard sings tunes to melt his boss's ears... => bastard96-14.gmi The Bastard counts on the fact that managers never remember... => bastard96-15.gmi The Bastard senses something fishy and casts his net... => bastard96-16.gmi The Bastard sets about averting a company takeover bid... => bastard96-17.gmi The Bastard meets an unexpected guest - the opposition's BOFH... => bastard96-18.gmi The Bastard involves himself with the CEO's pet project... => bastard96-19.gmi The Bastard finds there are 'mistakes in training' and 'training in mistakes'... => bastard96-20.gmi The South of France beckons for the BOFH under the guise of 'Network Professional of the Year'... => bastard96-21.gmi It's the sweet smell of success for the Bastard Operator as he wins the day in France... => bastard96-22.gmi Looking for new challenges, or just more dosh, the BOFH risks it all in the agency shark pool... => bastard96-23.gmi A pay rise in his pocket, and an admiring pimply-faced-youth looking , the BOFH plays safe... => bastard96-24.gmi The Bastard suffers from some temporary telephone trouble... => bastard96-25.gmi A heated exchange with the boss over air-conditioning raises temperatures all round... => bastard96-26.gmi The BOFH becomes a contract killer as he undoes some damage caused by the boss... => bastard96-27.gmi As the BOFH explains, dummies don't grow on trees, it takes years of training... => bastard96-28.gmi The Bastard's writing regresses to childlike scrawls as he attempts some artistic expenses... => bastard96-29.gmi The Bastard puts a price tag on user access after a particularly annoying request... => bastard96-30.gmi The Bastard puts in a day on the helpdesk... => bastard96-31.gmi The Bastard and his pimply sidekick spread their network of misery across the land... => bastard96-32.gmi Trains, planes and the dreaded laptop spotter - the BOFH brings the anoraks back to earth... => bastard96-33.gmi Fear of a compulsory team-building weekend spurs the BOFH into his own style of teamwork... => bastard96-34.gmi Point scoring over network equipment blunders sees the PFY battling it out with the BOFH... => bastard96-35.gmi Battle vibes pulsate as beancounter central takes vehement action against the network lads... => bastard96-36.gmi As the boss gets in a twist about Cat 5 cables, the BOFH bides his time to unravel the mess... => bastard96-37.gmi Rule one of setting up a network: don't let the boss use his 'initiative' and set one up himself... => bastard96-38.gmi Infiltration of the e-mail system provokes the BOFH to adulterate the Yellow Pages... => bastard96-39.gmi Money is exchanged as the Bastard engages in some very underhand practices... => bastard96-40.gmi Ever tempted to play computer games at work? The BOFH sets out to spoil all the fun... => bastard96-41.gmi As encryption is forced on the Bastard, he plots to give the Boss more of a shock than ever... => bastard96-42.gmi Where do you find a new pimply-faced-youth when you want one? It's a challenge, but .> ## 1997 => bastard97-01.gmi Just how do you get round that tricky visit from the auditors? The BOFH has a few ideas... => bastard97-02.gmi The BOFH's in the mood for a little light fraud, but how to get rid of the boss? Easy-peasy... => bastard97-03.gmi The chief bean counter has a half-baked plan to oust the Bastard and his sidekick. What a very foolish thing to attempt... => bastard97-04.gmi Someone's found out where the 'liberated' phones go. Better dial 'B' for Bastard... => bastard97-05.gmi The boss cooks his goose with a dodgy microwave dish ... so the Bastard simply out-manoeuvres him yet again... => bastard97-06.gmi Hungover, roped in to cover the Helldesk - if he wasn't the Bastard, this could be a bad day... => bastard97-07.gmi The BOFH comes face to face with the ultimate in office bureaucracy. And he just won't wear it... => bastard97-08.gmi The BOFH is in trouble for not turning up to his training course... => bastard97-09.gmi The BOFH and PFY go on some site visits... => bastard97-10.gmi The BOFH and PFY help sort out a rival's PSIC problems... => bastard97-11.gmi The BOFH wins an award from his peer group... => bastard97-12.gmi It really hits the fan as the tables turn inside the walls of Computer Centrale... => bastard97-13.gmi The Bastard puts his newest protege through a rather nasty baptism... and sees him blossom... => bastard97-14.gmi Who said management was easy? Still, there's nothing that can't be sorted out with an axe... => bastard97-15.gmi Not quite the smell of Napalm in the morning, but a burnt server gets things off to a good start... => bastard97-16.gmi It's show time, folks, and the Bastard goes along to do some, err... research on the latest kit... => bastard97-17.gmi The Bastard Operator From Hell is off to the movies, thanks to the marvellous advances in everyday technology... => bastard97-18.gmi The PFY is hardly the life and soul. Would you be if you had to endure a visit from slime central? => bastard97-19.gmi Members of the new stripy shirt brigade are full of beans and raring to go... => bastard97-20.gmi Local culinary delights with the Bastard lead to the rapid disappearance of the latest recruit... => bastard97-21.gmi The Bastard Operator From Hell and the Paintball session... => bastard97-22.gmi The PFY scores top marks in the all important 'how to be a Bastard Operator From Hell' test... => bastard97-23.gmi The BOFH is given lessons in how to be a shiny happy IT manager. And he can't wait to start... => bastard97-24.gmi A little sabotage is in the offing as the BOFH scuppers the systems department and the boss... => bastard97-25.gmi The BOFH goes on a trade show outing... => bastard97-26.gmi In the aftermath of the trade show the PFY is forced to dip into the favour bank... => bastard97-27.gmi The disaster recovery budget proves to be a sore point, until the BOFH and PFY stage a little one of their own... => bastard97-28.gmi The PFY has accumulated a number of complaints in his new role - and it's up to the Bastard to sort him out... => bastard97-29.gmi When the boss tries to out-bastard the Bastard it's time to bring on Plan A, sit back, and enjoy the fireworks... => bastard97-30.gmi The boss tries to oust the BOFH and the PFY again. Enter George, some lager, a shredder and several PFYs to-be... => bastard97-31.gmi When the PFY shows compassion to a user, the BOFH suspects a Mid-Job Crisis and takes emergency action... => bastard97-32.gmi It looks as though the Bastard has overreached himself, but the PFY comes to the rescue with a cunning plan... => bastard97-33.gmi The scent of restructuring is in the air, as the BOFH advises a little CD scratching to remove viruses... => bastard97-34.gmi A run-in with the company cafeteria leaves the BOFH porcelain bound and the boss regretting an onion bhaji... => bastard97-35.gmi The boss has been 'encouraged' to relocate to Tonga, but his replacement is a nightmare. It's time to get serious... => bastard97-36.gmi The new boss discovers that sometimes learning can be painful, especially when the BOFH is your teacher... => bastard97-37.gmi Several months of beer swigging has left the Bastard feeling a tad run-down, so he takes a trip out of town... => bastard97-38.gmi While the Bastard's away, his replacement sees a career opportunity - forcing the PFY to deploy shock tactics... => bastard97-39.gmi The failings of a clever new purchasing system brings out the Bastard's hitherto repressed vindictive side... => bastard97-40.gmi As far as the BOFH's concerned, the season of goodwill doesn't run to the systems men. Quite the opposite in fact... ## 1998 => bastard98-01.gmi An ugly saga of burning ambition and bootleg liquor - welcome to the BOFH's Christmas past... => bastard98-02.gmi The BOFH and PFY show there is still a place for love and compassion in the world of network management... => bastard98-03.gmi Chaos reigns at the office and a visitor from the past is impressed by modern standards of bastardly behaviour... => bastard98-04.gmi The head's mid-life crisis and how a career in modelling leads to an executive position... => bastard98-05.gmi The boss is on the track of two mysterious contractors, C. Omputer and R. Amchip, but the BOFH is on the case... => bastard98-06.gmi When the BOFH suggests a team-building event, on his own time, there has to be some devilry brewing... => bastard98-07.gmi There's stocktaking to be done and awkward questions to be answered. But the BOFH stays cool as things get hot... => bastard98-08.gmi The helldesk has got a bit too big for its boots, but the BOFH has a cunning plan to knock them down to size... => bastard98-09.gmi Shape up or face budget cuts - what will the BOFH do? Enlist the help of an ice cream and some digging gear... => bastard98-10.gmi The users are away from the office and - shock horror - the BOFH and PFY miss them. Surely this can't be right... => bastard98-11.gmi While the PFY is busy with his Tunnel-Monkey work, the BOFH is sorting out the e-mail system and diverting complaints to sex lines... => bastard98-12.gmi The company architect's presence in the building creates an air of expectancy and pushes the BOFH into a bit of bastardly trickery... => bastard98-13.gmi The BOFH and PFY are hurt when they're left out of the game days - but it's nothing that a mallet and a spot of violence can't take care of... => bastard98-14.gmi A US buyout results in a visit stateside, a lesson in the zen of lift shafts and plenty of new kit... all expensives paid... => bastard98-15.gmi Translating engineer excuses into non-fiction can be a difficult task - but nothing is too tough for The Bastard Bible... => bastard98-16.gmi When the boss and the PFY both suffer from acute computer 'acronym dependence', it's time to visit Harley Street to play in the traffic... => bastard98-17.gmi The PFY is displaying distressing signs of geekism - beer-bottle glasses and the first growth of a wispy beard - can he be saved? => bastard98-18.gmi The BOFH explains his new 'Management Stack Theory' to PFY, who seems to take it all with a pinch of salt - until the boss walks in... => bastard98-19.gmi The LAGERS invoice should have gone through smoothly - but a turncoat beancounter and a computing audit get in the way... => bastard98-20.gmi There's nothing the BOFH likes more than a contractor still wet behind the ears. But even he thinks it's time to show pity when the boss hatches his latest mad scheme... => bastard98-21.gmi There's nothing the BOFH and PFY love more than a challenge - except for violence. And the boss's devious plan calls for quite a bit of the latter... => bastard98-22.gmi The game's the thing by which to humiliate the Boss but it serves him right for getting the Head of IT1s fancy woman to do the shopping... war and peace as usual => bastard98-23.gmi The millennium bomb has nothing on BOFH's boss who, on the strength of just one pint, manages to blow BOFH's cover sky high... => bastard98-24.gmi A newcomer names Sharon, a safety retrofit and a GPS transmitter leaves the BOFH on course for sipping tequila in the sun... => bastard98-25.gmi To escape the boredom of routine, the BOFH volunteers to man the Helldesk. But does he still have his special touch with the users? => bastard98-26.gmi Will the BOFH use Roboboss again in this year's gladiatorial clash with the R&D boys? Or will the Mutant Floor Polisher win the demo-derby? => bastard98-27.gmi While the PFY's holding a torch for Carole, someone is putting a torch to the Welsh Office. But nothing compares with the Master Plan... => bastard98-28.gmi The BOFH and PFY attend a 'bored' meeting, everyone gets bladdered and the boss gets to 'chair' an assembly of overheated shareholders... => bastard98-29.gmi When the building is repainted in the lurid colour scheme of 'Teletubby Land', there is only one way to restore it to its former grey glory... => bastard98-30.gmi Does the BOFH know anything about the disappearance of the telecomms manager, his lawnmower and the wife he's 'grass-widowed'? => bastard98-31.gmi The BOFH steps in to help with a staff identity crisis, and the PFY drives a wedge between systems maintenance and the boss... => bastard98-32.gmi When does saying less mean making more? When the boss suggests adding needless desktop capacity and you're renting out any going spare... => bastard98-33.gmi Hypochondria in the office is all the rage. In fact, rage is all the rage. But when a psychiatrist is called in it's only a means to an end... => bastard98-34.gmi The BOFH is fazed by the remote working boom - but not for long. He and the PFY find more devious ways to keep the Operations beer fund topped up... => bastard98-35.gmi The Operations room is lit up like a set of traffic lights when the head beancounter asks the BOFH and the PFY to account for their time... => bastard98-36.gmi One wager and a lager frenzy later, the BOFH is feeling somewhat worse for wear after messing with the teatime continuum... => bastard98-37.gmi A bluff report may fool auditors that the company is running smoothly but try telling a hospitalised boss why safety procedures have been ignored... ## 1999 => bastard99-01.gmi Too Quiet? => bastard99-02.gmi Hooray for pay day. Or maybe not... => bastard99-03.gmi Disaster Recovery Blues... => bastard99-04.gmi Back to the Helldesk?!? => bastard99-05.gmi Omniscience? => bastard99-06.gmi Private Health... => bastard99-07.gmi The Company Newsletter => bastard99-08.gmi Faced with a bit of kit that the hosts of Antiques Roadshow would get orgasmic over, the Bastard finds a rubber mallet can achieve things an engineer's screwdriver can't... => bastard99-09.gmi It's finally time for the BOFH's protégé to fly the next and join the ranks of the 'one trouser leg higher than the other' Order of Bastards. And boy, has he been revising well... => bastard99-10.gmi As the PFY speeds out of control, he gains some worthy respect from the Bastard. It seems birds of a feather will soon be flocking to the group therapy class... => bastard99-11.gmi The lights are on - all 2,996 of them - and no one's in. The boss's involvement in the hands-on scheme results in a fit of madness, a stretcher, straitjacket and a trip to hospital... => bastard99-12.gmi More Huggy Feely... => bastard99-13.gmi Barroom Blitz... => bastard99-14.gmi The cleaner connection... => bastard99-15.gmi Banana Dictator?!? => bastard99-16.gmi Creative Cooling... => bastard99-17.gmi The dastardly duo employ some very underhand tactics to weed out 'unsuitable' applicants for the boss's job. Let's hope they're wearing the right coloured trousers... => bastard99-18.gmi Interviewing for new bosses... => bastard99-19.gmi The boss that wasn't... => bastard99-20.gmi Serial Whiner Alert! => bastard99-21.gmi Who's tucking who? => bastard99-22.gmi Bored Once More... => bastard99-23.gmi A Mental Lapse... => bastard99-24.gmi Medical Matters. => bastard99-25.gmi Staff Induction? => bastard99-26.gmi Arty Murray Arrives => bastard99-27.gmi The End?