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Five-second breaks can help defuse couples’ arguments, study shows |
Five seconds said to be just as effective as 10 or 15 in managing lower-
level conflicts and preventing escalation
(URL) https://www.theguardian.com/science/article/2024/aug/14/five-second-b... (https://www.theguardian.com)
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|u/microcosmic5447 - 1 month
|
|I remember hearing an interview with a married pair of neuroscientists.
|When their arguments start to get too heated, one of then would say,
|"Remember the half-life of the autonomic nervous system." Meaning that
|the physical sensations of being angry contribute to fights a lot more
|than the content of the argument, and forcing yourself to discount that
|somatic momentum is a great way to prevent the argument from devolving.
|u/swarmofseals - 1 month
|
|For those who are equating this to "telling someone to calm down" --
|the important distinction is buy-in. Telling someone who is upset to
|calm down doesn't work. But if you and your partner know that you two
|have a tendency to get heated during disagreements, and both of you
|recognize this as a problem, and both of you ask the other to signal
|when you notice that things are getting heated in the moment with an
|agreed upon signal, then the results can be significant and very
|positive.
|u/shrockitlikeitshot - 1 month
|
|Darn I just replied above with a similar explanation then found your
|comment. Your explanation is much more clear and concise. I like the
|buy-in distinction. Both have to be on board else the dynamics are
|unbalanced.
|u/skiingbeing - 1 month
|
|Love this, do you happen to recall what interview this was?
|u/microcosmic5447 - 1 month
|
|The quote was from Robert Sapolsky, and it was in an episode or
|RadioLab called "Where Am I?"
|u/skiingbeing - 1 month
|
|Spectacular, man, this era of RadioLab was absolutely top-notch.
|Thanks so much ([link should anyone else have the same question I
|did](https://radiolab.org/podcast/91524-where-am-i))
|u/Agret - 1 month
|
|I just added radio labs podcasts to my podcast app and it seems
|that's the first episode they recorded for it.
|u/solstice_gilder - 1 month
|
|Oh man I love Oliver Sacks!! ‘Anthropologist On Mars’ is a
|very interesting read!
|u/Agret - 1 month
|
|Thanks for the recommendation, just checked the wiki page
|and that does sound like an interesting read. I'll grab it
|from my library.
|u/Qbr12 - 1 month
|
|Telling someone to "Remember the half-life of the autonomic nervous
|system." sounds an awful like telling someone to calm down, which
|usually works so well.
|u/shrockitlikeitshot - 1 month
|
|I think it's more of a relationship communicative thing that should
|be talked about when not in an active argument and then reminded
|during an actual argument. Like hey, let's both step back for a
|second and notice this is getting primal/elevated. It's a form of
|self awareness with repeat patterns. If unchecked it leads to
|predictive outcomes. Some relationships don't want to admit they
|need these exercises and get blindsided down the road.
|u/roedtogsvart - 1 month
|
|The ole' "take a deep breath before you say something you regret"
|u/ogodilovejudyalvarez - 1 month
|
|I suspect these work much like the decision text boxes in gaming, where
|having a few seconds to weigh your response generally produces superior
|outcomes
|u/mean11while - 1 month
|
|*Five* seconds? That seems like a normal pause during a disagreement
|while you think about what to say. Maybe this is why my wife and I
|never fight...
|u/rocketeerH - 1 month
|
|Congratulations on the healthy relationship. Same for my partner and
|me - just think about your words for a few seconds and it keeps the
|temperature low
|u/mean11while - 1 month
|
|I guess. We actually care about each other. Thinking about what I
|say and how it will make them feel seems like the absolute bare
|minimum effort for interacting with another human... Yep. Someone
|at the Guardian made the decision to flip a famous memes template,
|as if nobody would recognize it... haha
|u/rocketeerH - 1 month
|
|More importantly, I think this is a pretty good indicator for
|toxic relationships. If your partner won’t do the bare minimum of
|pausing to consider how their words might hurt you, maybe you
|shouldn’t be with them. Same in reverse: if you can’t be kind to
|your partner, in the tiniest possible way, maybe it’s time to
|break up
|u/The_Singularious - 1 month
|
|I mean…this isn’t always true. It’s good you and your
|counterpart here are calm enough to exercise this, but we aren’t
|all blessed with that kind of emotional control. Some of us even
|have emotional disregulation built in with other conditions. It
|takes a LOT longer for us to build healthy habits, but we still
|genuinely love our spouses. For those of us this way, it is a
|huge sign we DO care for our partners that we’re willing to
|fight through biological short circuits and do the work (it
|isn’t easy for us) to learn and be better.
|u/rocketeerH - 1 month
|
|True. I had major anger issues throughout my teens to mid 20s.
|It took a lot of effort on my part to improve on that, and
|years later it feels like it just sort of happened without all
|the effort I put in. It’s odd. Good luck in finding the
|positive change you’re looking for
|u/The_Singularious - 1 month
|
|Thank you. We have both come a long way. I’m now at the
|point where unless I’m very tired, I usually don’t get
|emotionally defensive. “We” are experiencing perimenopause
|right now though, and patterns are changing. I am having to
|know when to adjust, listen more, and be patient, and when
|to speak up and say “No, that’s not okay to speak to me that
|way. Let’s take a break and have a good conversation about
|it a little later.” Edit: And congrats on your own
|victories! Not easy, but always worth it.
|u/solstice_gilder - 1 month
|
|Love the ‘we’. Being a woman is weird and hard and I’m
|glad you are weathering this storm together! :)
|u/The_Singularious - 1 month
|
|Definitely learning together. Trying to make sense of
|it. She’s carrying the heavy load, but when we see
|patterns it helps us figure things out better. Sometimes
|neither of us can make sense of it, though.
|u/solstice_gilder - 1 month
|
|And sharing the knowledge with those around you? I’m
|not there yet with my 36 years but am learning about
|these things here and there. And I love to talk about
|it with my people. Tbh I never knew of the how and
|what until I encountered some talk of it on Reddit and
|started to do a little research. It’s really hush hush
|still I think… something we aren’t supposed to talk
|about. But the more I learn the more there is to
|share. And maybe we can all lighten the load for each
|other. Good luck on your journey :)
|u/IdlyCurious - 1 month
|
|> It takes a LOT longer for us to build healthy habits, but we
|still genuinely love our spouses. True. But it also must be
|acknowledged that genuine love does not prevent a relationship
|from being toxic or prevent the damage it inflicts on the
|other party.
|u/The_Singularious - 1 month
|
|Right. I’m not in a toxic relationship. Just one that isn’t
|perfectly emotionally controlled. My point was that not
|everyone who has emotional control issues is in a toxic
|relationship. There has to be mutual understanding, and
|sometimes feelings are hurt. For us, it’s about how progress
|is made and about trust of intent.
|u/rocketeerH - 1 month
|
|Haha, I actually meant that edit mentioning the meme for a
|different comment I made, and deleted it from this comment within
|seconds of making it. Speaking of bare minimum though
|u/Nodan_Turtle - 1 month
|
|I feel for people who end up in relationships where they need a
|timeout to avoid escalating into a huge blowup argument. It's crazy
|to me people end up like that
|u/bucolucas - 1 month
|
|I wonder if this is a testament to just how stupid most people are, if
|they can't allow five seconds of cooldown before whatever they're
|yelling next
|u/dnarag1m - 1 month
|
|My ex gave me breaks of hours, or even days. I can assure you that it
|doesn't work for everyone because nothing gets me heated up like a
|partner that refuses to talk about how she feels, or what I have done
|wrong. Even if I say nothing, it eats away at you while the other person
|feels victorious in having punished you with her silence. I know
|it's not quite the exact situation the study discusses but I can imagine
|many situations where 5 or 10 or 100 second breaks would achieve exactly
|nothing - it depends on the intentions of your partner (malicious or
|innocent).
|u/Technical_Sir_9588 - 1 month
|
|Indeed. If both aren't working towards compromise and
|reconciliation, all the time in the world will mean nothing.
|u/Mooks79 - 1 month
|
|Some people don’t even use silence as a punishment. They want to say
|what they want to say and don’t care enough about your perspective
|to hear any reply.
|u/AbbreviationsOdd1316 - 1 month
|
|That's how I am on reddit. I don't look at replies. It's so
|freeing. (not good for relationships though of course)
|u/Mooks79 - 1 month
|
|I think on Reddit it can be fair enough - and learning when to
|leave a discussion that’s going nowhere is a good thing. One I
|don’t always successfully implement. But if it’s someone you’re
|supposed to love and care about you should (a) want to hear
|their view and (b) give them the right to reply even if not.
|Otherwise you just breed resentment in them. P.S. yes, I know.
|This is for everyone else.
|u/greet_the_sun - 1 month
|
|You have to do that sometimes, some people seem to be on here
|just to be contrary for the sake of it and they will ramble
|their same contradictory points over and over while completely
|ignoring yours, usually throwing in some insults too. If you
|don't look closely it almost looks like an actual discussion,
|but it's more like two ships passing in the night.
|u/Mooks79 - 1 month
|
|>You have to do that sometimes, some people seem to be on here
|just to be contrary for the sake of it No we’re not.
|u/greet_the_sun - 1 month
|
|You are and I have proof that you are, but I'm not going to
|show it to you. Maybe you should educate yourself.
|u/peridotpicacho - 1 month
|
|Pretty sure that was supposed to be a joke.
|u/greet_the_sun - 1 month
|
|Pretty sure mine was too.
|u/luciferin - 1 month
|
|That sounds more like stonewalling than taking a break. That said,
|context is everything here.
|u/ani_devorantem - 1 month
|
|yeah, silent treatment is manipulation, not constructive conflict
|resolution.
|u/Tarantio - 1 month
|
|Starting to talk again before too long is probably more important than
|taking breaks.
|u/Lumpiest_Princess - 1 month
|
|This personal anecdote is off-topic. Taking five seconds to think
|before you speak in a conversation is hardly the same as cutting off
|contact for hours.
|u/Roniz95 - 1 month
|
|If your partner has malicious intent there is no constructive and
|healthy way of having a confrontation
|u/The_Singularious - 1 month
|
|I can see the context now, but the other poster is right
|that in the heat of an argument, both parties don’t need to
|agree to break. Only one, and that should be honored. To
|your point, the party…erm…breaking up the party then has a
|responsibility to make good on resuming the conversation in
|a reasonable (or agreed upon) time. This is how my wife
|and I roll. My fuse is long and hers is not. But once I’m
|gone, it means she’s pushed way too hard. We have both
|learned to step away. She is still learning that she has to
|come back to it later, no matter how uncomfortable the
|topic.
|u/isecore - 1 month
|
|The trick is always to figure out what works for you and your partner.
|I've had multiple methods with multiple partners, the whole scale from
|taking micro-breaks to several hours to even waiting days after until
|we've calmed down. And even then there's a spectrum of resolving the
|conflict, everything from sitting down with a pen and paper to writing
|emails, having a chat or even asking a friend to mediate. Having a
|methodology for healthy conflict resolution is an important
|relationship goal. There is no one-size-fits-all type method, but
|it's good that people are figuring this out rather than always duking
|it out in a huge fight as the relationship stereotype often portrays.
|u/The_Singularious - 1 month
|
|Yup. Honored breaks coupled with a commitment to reengage is the
|ticket.
|u/mitchMurdra - 1 month
|
|I had that issue before meeting my husband too and we were in our mid
|twenties. Time was fleeting and I wasn’t going to make time for that
|kind of junk.
|u/koolaid7431 - 1 month
|
|What you're describing is stonewalling. I've experienced it myself and
|it's the worst. It keeps the argument alive in your head and your
|partner can feel whatever they are feeling and come back when they
|feel okay, but you're still right there at least emotionally.
|u/RigelOrionBeta - 1 month
|
|That's not an argument, that's a problem.
|u/Responsible_Hater - 1 month
|
|That’s called stonewalling
|u/rocketeerH - 1 month
|
|This is beyond “not quite exactly the same” I think. Sounds to me like
|you’re describing an entirely unrelated scenario. This post is about
|taking a deep breathe and thinking for a few seconds before responding
|in anger. You’re talking about deliberate manipulation tactics.
|u/shoaloak - 1 month
|
|This sounds like stonewalling, which is emotional abuse and you (and
|no one else for that matter) should not stand for it. If someone does
|this, say what you think is going on and express your boundaries in a
|healthy manner.
|u/chrisdh79 - 1 month
|
|From the article: Couples having a row should take a five-second break
|to stop them reaching boiling point, according to a study. Taking a
|pause during an argument can act as a firebreak that prevents rows from
|escalating, defuses disagreements and could save the need for costly
|counselling. Psychologists at the University of St Andrews conducted
|experiments with 81 couples and published their findings in the [Nature
|journal](https://www.nature.com/articles/s44271-024-00122-4). Just five
|seconds was equally effective as longer enforced breaks, according to
|Annah McCurry, a PhD candidate at the university’s school of psychology
|and neuroscience. “It sounds obvious but this is the first time anyone
|has experimentally demonstrated a reduction in aggression following
|enforced breaks. Forcing couples to have a five-second break was just as
|effective as a 10- or 15-second break, which shows even the briefest of
|pauses can help defuse an argument,” said McCurry, who led the
|experiments with her supervisors Dr Robert May and Prof David Donaldson.
|u/m3ngnificient - 1 month
|
|Reminds me of that How I Met Your Mother episode where Marshall and
|Lilly would say "Pause!" to take a break from their fights and be a
|normal couple during that pause.
|u/Scp-1404 - 1 month
|
|Suggestions like this are great, but they are only valuable if your
|partner is a reasonable person. My ex refused to discuss anything. It
|was always escalated to an abusive blamestorm. I would have been
|followed through the house and out into the street if I had tried this.
|u/bisforbenis - 1 month
|
|I’d imagine that’s because for an intentional break, it requires a
|certain level of awareness of an elevated emotional state and an
|intentional decision to stop surging ahead and consider a need to cool
|down. So less about the time and more about any break requires that
|level of emotional differentiation, which is really what’s useful
|u/AaronJeep - 1 month
|
|Best advice I got to defuse an argument came out of couple's therapy.
|She told us when things start to go sideways, ask yourself, "Is this
|something, or a no-thing?". It boiled down to, "Is this really
|important?". The vast majority of times, it isn't. Taking the time to
|ask each other that probably pulls you out of the heat of that moment
|and acts as a 5 to 10 second break to gain some perspective. We hardly
|ever argue anymore.
|u/CaptainSebT - 1 month
|
|That's probably because in order to walk away from a fight you have to
|de-escalate. De-escalation being effective at preventing escalation is
|not really that surprising. Maybe that 10 or 15 seconds isn't more
|effective but really these are incredibly small increments of time I
|imagine to see further results you would need like a few hours. Also
|"This is a simple, free and effective hack to reduce negative emotions
|during arguments. It’s cheaper than couples therapy and can be easily
|integrated into everyday interactions". From McCurry in this article is
|such an insane statement. I don't know what part to address first the
|idea you can hack a relationship or the idea you can just do this
|instead of therapy. Like there isn't more that needs to be addressed.
|u/helm - 1 month
|
|It helps not escalating small things to full-blown fights that both
|regret in the end. It's not a silver bullet to solve all relationship
|problems.
|u/knuckles_n_chuckles - 1 month
|
|I mean, just shut your yap. That’s the key to a healthy marriage: not
|always needing to be right.
|u/beaniemonk - 1 month
|
|This is good news, ain't nobody got time for 10 or 15 seconds.
|u/k0mnr - 1 month
|
|Reminds me that there is an old ook, movie made after where the husband
|kept counting to 10 in tensed moments. It was a comedy from communist
|Romania.
|u/papajoi - 1 month
|
|Couples that fight are stupid. I've never ever had any kind of argument
|with my wife. Just talk like a normal person. I have zero respect for
|fighting idiots.
|u/kcidDMW - 1 month
|
|"Interrupting an argument can help people stop arguing." **Another
|triumph of psychology!** Seriously, how do people in this field
|consider it science?
|u/KowardlyMan - 1 month
|
|It is definitely science, but you could argue it's not very advanced
|yet, has difficulty in reproducing results and some of its scientists
|are bad.
|u/kcidDMW - 1 month
|
|They're still teaching crap like the Marshmallow Test and Stanfrod
|Prison Experiments in university level psychology as though they are
|true and not firmly debunked. How is that defencible as 'science'?
|I trust 95% of what's published in Physics, 80% in Chemistry (and
|I'm a chemist), 60% in biology, and then there is a rather
|precipitous cliff.
|u/KowardlyMan - 1 month
|
|The state of the field is terrible, but it's still a field. I
|think Physics was already science when we thought the Earth was a
|pizza carried by spacegoats, universities were just terrible at
|it.
|u/donquixote2000 - 1 month
|
|May the LORD silence all flattering lips and every boastful tongue—
|those who say, “By our tongues we will prevail; our own lips will defend
|us—who is lord over us?” psalm 12.3
|u/Significant-Gene9639 - 1 month
|
|If you’re getting relationship advice from 1-2000 year old writings I
|am concerned for your partner. We don’t stone people to death for
|having opinions or refusing to have sex anymore. Unless you live in a
|fundamentalist religious wasteland in which case please leave that
|place.
|u/Scp-1404 - 1 month
|
|TBF, they might live in Texas.
|u/donquixote2000 - 1 month
|
|You're entitled to your opinion.
|u/runtheplacered - 1 month
|
|That goes without saying. You didn't entitle him to it, he was
|entitled whether you said it or not. But what doesn't go without
|saying is that if you're getting your relationship advice from a
|2000 year old piece of text then I feel bad for your partner.
|I'm not even sure that's an opinion. I do believe it'd be very
|simple to test the theory that following the bible word-for-word
|will both ruin your relationships and your life.
|u/donquixote2000 - 1 month
|
|Consider the assumptions you're making. On very little data.
|What are you basing those assumptions on?
|u/panjadotme - 1 month
|
|Oh the irony
|u/RandomChimpEvent2024 - 1 month
|
|my nuts itch
|u/VoiceOfRonHoward - 1 month
|
|RandomChimpEvent 20:24
|u/OdetteSwan - 1 month
|
|I hate that!
|u/redditisapiecofshit - 1 month
|
|"If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the
|voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, ... all the men of
|his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put
|evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear."
|Deuteronomy 21:18-21: what to do with a disobediant son
|u/mickdeb - 1 month
|
|So if i have an argument, i push her on the floor, she's still good to
|eat after 5 seconds ?
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