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.___.. .__ .__ ._ |
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| |_ _ | \ _. . [__) _ |, _ ._. _ |
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| [ )(/, |__/(_]\_| [__)(/,| (_)[ (/, |
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(The Day Before) |
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October 05, 2020 |
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Tomorrow is my birthday, I'll be 42. I just realized this yesterday, I'm |
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notorious for forgetting this particular time of the year. Which is fine, |
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because my girlfriend of 3 years now never remembers it. But what she did |
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notice, this weekend, is that I'm miserable. I guess it's harder for me to |
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notice that I'm cranky, disconnected, and unpleasant than for her. Isn't |
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that strange? |
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I'm grateful to her for paying attention to me, because it was a |
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revelation. I just dislike my job. I don't mind programming, I just really |
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don't care about the end product. And I really dislike having to jump |
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through so many hoops, like a trained circus animal, just to get my job |
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done. A endless tyranny of processes and reviews and steps just to do the |
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simplest of things. The sucky thing is that I'm good at it, so my boss |
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keeps throwing harder and harder things at me, because nobody else has the |
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masochistic streak I have. And, it's just not good for me. |
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I don't know that I can every be happy as a worker, and I don't intend to |
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give up my life because of it. But I intend to attempt to pursue |
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happiness, maybe that'll make some difference. I took tomorrow off, and am |
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playing hooky this afternoon. It's time to refocus on me, because if I |
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fall apart, there's really nothing left. |
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EDIT: In two minutes after I wrote this, my manager detected I was unhappy |
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and tried to address some of these things. It's good he's trying, there |
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advantages to having an engineering manager that's a people person also, |
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we'll see how this goes. |
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